As a parent to a child age 12 to 19, you may have dozens of questions about the topic of teen sex. Here, we’ve answered the most frequent questions FUPTP* participating parents ask.
- Why do youth and teens have sex at such young ages?
- How do I know if my child is having sex?
- What should I do if I find out my child is already having sex or has had sex?
- How can I talk to my child about sex?
- What does my child expect from me when it comes to talking about sex?
- Why is abstinence the best option when it comes to teen sex?
- How can I stop pre-marital sex, teen pregnancy and unhealthy choices in my home?
- How can I promote abstinence until marriage to my child, if I was a teen parent?
- I always hear that I must talk to my kids about sex, when do I begin, what do I say and how can I avoid an embarrassing disaster?
- What resources and support are out there to help me talk to my teen about sex?
- How can MAFTA help my family?
Q: Why do youth and teens have sex at such young ages?
A: Teens engaging in sexual activity is by no means a new phenomenon, however teen pregnancy and STD rates among our teens in the United States have reached an epidemic level and EVERY parent needs to be concerned!
Studies show that even though the national teen pregnancy rate is steadily declining, teens are still engaging in sexual activity at very young ages, and most report later wishing they had waited. It is important to note that a recent study of Milwaukee School District teens shows that 2 out of every 3 are involved in sexual activities. This correlates to the fact that Milwaukee ranks second in the nation for the percentage of total teen births, and the majority of STDs, reported in the state scome from Southeastern Wisconsin.
What we find most commonly with our FUPTP* families is that teens choose to have sex for the following reasons:
Curiosity-- In today's society, sex is everywhere. Your child would need to live in a bubble to not be subjected to media messages about sex. Naturally, they become curious about sex and want to know what it is all about. In our FUPTP sessions, we encourage parents to address this curiosity versus ignoring it. Talk to your kids about how significant sex can be in the right setting, answer their questions and give them resources that educate them about sexual activity. Knowledge is power.
Peer Pressure--Many youth report that they felt pressured into having sex by their boy/girlfriend. In FUPTP we encourage teens to recognize peer pressure, avoid situations where they may feel pressured and how to assert refusal skills. Get to your child before his/her significant other does!
Confusion Between Sex and Love-- Many Americans equate sex with love and believe if they have feelings of love toward their significant other they should act upon them by engaging in sexual activity. Of course, sex is a natural part of love and marriage, however teens typically don't understand what "true" love is or understand the magnitude of the responsibility and commitment that needs to go along with love and sex that is found in healthy marriages.
In FUPTP, we define love for youth and educate participants on the process of developing healthy relationships. In addition, we encourage youth to spend quality time with their boy/girlfriend doing fun and healthy activities that do not involve sexual activity.
Lack of Education and Resources--We now live in the American "fix it" society where many youths believe that all their actions can be reversed by a vaccination or medicine. The truth is, there is no vaccination or medicine for a broken heart, unwanted pregnancy or many of the STDs that can come along with sexual activity. Youth need to be educated and given resources so they know IN ADVANCE the risks that come along with sexual activity. Knowing the facts and having adequate resources help teens make positive and healthy decisions.
Lack of Parental Support and Communication--Youth NEED their parents and guardians to communicate with them about sexual activity and other high-risk behaviors. It is also important that you share what your expectations are for them as a parent. Don't wait until your child learns about sex from a movie, magazine, music or his/her friends. Get to your teen first, before you become a unwitting grandparent.
(top)
Q: How do I know if my child is having sex?
A: Continual monitoring and communication are the best ways to really know if your child is engaging in sexual activity. Again, the earlier you begin communicating with your child about sexual activity and your expectations for him/her, the better!
If you find out your child has had sex or is currently sexually active, click here.
(top)
Q: What should I do if I find out my child is already having sex or has had sex?
A: If you find out your child has had sex or is currently sexually active, instead of being mad, it will be more effective to take action. The first thing you need to do is address the situation immediately. Explain to your child that you are glad he/she informed you or that you found out because it is your job to keep him/her safe, happy and healthy.
Discuss at length what drove your child to have sex and how he/she felt afterwards. Explain that with sex – intercourse or other types of sexual interactions - comes with many, many consequences and responsibilities … emotional, physical and possibly financial in nature. Of course, you don't want him/her to be faced with these types of troubles and strains at such a young age. Talk about the importance of maintaining healthy relationships, and that having a relationship with a significant other does not mean that you have to have sex.
More and more teens today, who have already been sexually active, are reclaiming their virginity in a movement called "secondary virginity.” MAFTA encourages youth and parents to understand that just because you have had sex in the past doesn't mean you are obligated to continue. Each day brings a new beginning and the opportunity to make positive choices.
Continue to monitor your child and talk about sexual activity. If your teen has lost his/her virginity, keep promoting the idea of “secondary virginity.” Be honest with your child and expect that he/she continue to be honest with you.
It is also crucial that you have your child checked out by a healthcare provider to test for pregnancy, infection from sexually transmitted diseases or depression.
Q: How can I talk to my child about sex?
A: Visit Great Advice for Parents for ideas and activities that will help you keep the lines of communication open and honest with your teen.
(top)
Q: What does my child expect from me when it comes to talking about sex?
A: While the topic of sex is often not easy to discuss with your teen, it is essential. Your child expects you to be open, honest, frank and most importantly, non-judgmental. Click here to view the questions – and answers - teens most commonly ask.
(top)
Q: Why is abstinence the best option when it comes to teen sex?
A: Young sexually experienced teens were more likely than virgins to engage in other risky behavior, such as smoking, using illegal drugs, and drinking once a week or more. (Source: The National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy)
Most abstinence programs do more than tell teens to say "no" to unwed sex and other negative activities: they teach youth the skills and discipline needed to be healthy and productive in life.
Youth learn the importance of building a strong and healthy relationship, versus just having sex.
YOUR TEEN WANTS TO BE ABSTINENT!
- Abstinence is the only sure way to avoid unplanned pregnancies or avoid sexually transmitted diseases!
- Abstinence gives your youth a chance!
- Remaining a virgin is no longer a social taboo.
- Trends show that more and more youth are remaining a virgin or practicing secondary virginity.
- 90% of 1,101 teens surveyed on the telephone say that teens should receive a strong message from society to delay sex until at least after high school.(1)
- 55% of teen boys and 72% of teen girls say they wish they had waited longer to have sex.(1)
Source: (1) National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy, 2002.
(top)
Q: How can I stop pre-marital sex, teen pregnancy and unhealthy choices in my home?
A: Here are several practical tips:
Supervise your children.
Set rules, curfews and clearly explain what behavior you expect of your child. Keep family discussion open and communicate respectfully. What activities does your child participate in while you are at work? Who is supervising your child after school? Where do they hang out with their friends? Remember that supervising your kids and knowing their whereabouts makes you a good parent, not a nag.
Know your children’s friends and families.
Children are strongly influenced by their friends. Get to know the parents because you can have a say in who your child spends time with. Help them meet children of your own friends, who share the same values and beliefs on sex, love, and marriage. Ask to meet parents of teens early so you may set common rules and expectations. Try to set common curfews. Welcome your child’s friends into your home and talk to them openly.
Discourage early, frequent, and steady dating.
Encourage group activities for your kids that are fun and exciting. Allowing one-on-one dating for your young teen is only asking for trouble. Make this rule clear so your teen does not think you just don’t like the particular person they are proposing to spend time alone with.
Give your teenager options for the future that are more attractive than becoming sexually active at a young age.
The chances that your child will delay sex, pregnancy, and parenthood are strongly increased if their future appears bright. Help them to set real goals for their future, talk to them about what it takes to make those plans come true, and help them to reach their goals. Teach them to be constructive with their free time. Encourage them to complete their homework. Show them how much their future could be diminished by becoming sexually involved before marriage.
Above all else, build a strong and close relationship with your child at an early age. Show them and tell them you love them-clearly and often. Hug your children and praise their accomplishments. Spend quality time with your children doing things that they like, not just things that fit into your schedule. This will establish a trust that forms the basis for future communication with them about specific topics, including sexual behavior.
Source: www.greattowait.com/parents
(top)
Q: How can I promote abstinence until marriage to my child, if I was a teen parent?
A: Many parents ask this question because they are afraid of being viewed as a hypocrite in their child's eyes. Here are a few things to know:
- The most important thing is to be honest with your child.
- Explain that although you made some different choices in your own life, you want better for him/her and this is why you want them to abstain.
- Make your own story a learning example. Don't be embarrassed about any choices you have made. Share your struggles with them as a result of the choices you made so that they can see what you overcame.
- Don't be afraid to have your child ask you questions about your life and choices. They will respect your honesty and your desire for them to be healthy and make positive choices.
(top)
Q: I always hear that I must talk to my kids about sex, but when? And how?
A: We understand that talking to your kids about sex can be very intimidating. However, don't put off talking with your child. While most parents are waiting to talk to their kids when the "right moment" strikes, time is being lost.
The following are some important tips from the National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy to keep in mind:
- Relax. Effective communication can't happen if everyone is tired and tense.
- Choose the right time and place. Talk to your kids when you're not in a hurry and don't seem distracted and rushed. Set aside enough time to really connect.
- Listen. Effective listening is more than "not talking". Make eye contact and acknowledge what they're saying and show that you understand, even if you don't agree. If you don't understand, ask your child to clarify what he/she is trying to say.
- Enhance self-esteem. Praise your child for as many positive things as you can find. Try to point out at least one positive thing in your child's life or behavior to praise each time you talk.
MAFTA also recommends that you remember your ABCs:
Abstinence is the Best Choice.
And, learn to always:
- Ask who, what and where … “Who are you with, what are you doing and where?”
- Be up front and tell your kids what your expectations are.
- Continually practice and reinforce A and B.
Visit Great Advice for Parents for ideas and activities that will help you keep the lines of communication open and honest with your teen.
(top)
Q: What resources and support are out there to help me talk to my teen about sex?
A: Here are three ways you can find resources and support:
- FUPTP* offers FREE monthly parent meetings, FREE quarterly newsletters and a variety of other web-based services to support YOU as a parent in communicating with your child about sexual activity, teen pregnancy and STDs, while encouraging him/her to abstain. Visit Parents Calendar & Info.
- For other information and resources, FUPTP* recommends that you contact your child's health care provider, school or the local health department.
- Visit Great Advice for Parents for ideas and activities that will help you keep the lines of communication open and honest with your teen.
(top)
Q: How can MAFTA help my family?
A: There are several ways the Milwaukee Alliance for Teaching Abstinence is working to help Milwaukee area families teach our teens about abstinence as a healthy lifestyle:
- www.ACryingShame.info
This website is a great resource for information, answers and advice. Please continue to visit this site for updates, new ideas and insights about abstinence, parenting and helping your child make healthy life choices.
- Parent Workshops
MAFTA hosts insightful workshops for parents that want to improve their parenting and communications skills on the topic of sex and abstinence. Visit Parents Calendar & Info.
- Youth Workshops
You can have your teen participate in a MAFTA workshop, after-school program or summer program that promotes abstinence and offers skills that can help him/her make healthy life choices. Parents Calendar & Info.
- Quarterly Newsletter
You’ll find great information in each MAFTA newsletter published four times a year. Get on our mailing list for this newsletter. Or, visit our newsletter archive to read past issues.
(top)
*FUPTP stands for Families United to Prevent Teen Pregnancy. |
